Faithful readers of this blog will recall the first Pun Exchange, which transcribed the extensive banter Shawn L. Bird and I exchanged in the Comments section of her charming blog post, which was, basically, about a road-killed beaver. Finding that post is left as an exercise to the student.
More recently, on Facebook, in a poetry group called Poets All Call, I posted a pseudo-haiku about a disconnect between candy and merriment, thus:
almond but no joy
lots of snickers no laughter
payday’ll cost you
What follows is the complete exchange of comments. I am Clay; faithful readers of the blog will remember Bob and my two (now three) tries at his portrait; and Mary and Hobbit are wonderful, free-spirited fellow members of Poets All Call. All references to candy and other sweet stuff will be in bold. (Apologies to the other participants for any missed references!) We Americans love our sweets–too much, as evidenced by our average weight gain over the past few decades…
Mary: This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.
Hobbit: let’s all go to mars… travel the milky way on…whatchamacallits!\
Clay: Thanks for the Chuckles, my friend. Hope you come to our Necco the woods some day. :o)
Mary: If she has an extra $100,000!
Hobbit: I am always Twix and tween …usually at Zero, Mary…
Bob: Orphaned Baby Ruth/Was saved from an unkind fate/Thanks to Bill Murray
Bob: Butterfingers slip/And Reese’s fall to pieces/Her – she’s everywhere!
Bob: M&M we know/Sports a colored, candied shell/What’s inside is swell
Mary: Gosh. I need to walk down the candy aisle more often.
Bob: All sorts of titillating treats there!
Bob: OH HENRY! she calls/It’s me – Mary of Magic/I crave your sweetness!
Bob: Indeed Mary. You could come out the other end of the aisle, spent – I mean what with most candies costing a buck nowdays!
Mary: Yes, all sorts of treats. But Uno I prefer pastries.
Hobbit: if i ate all that ….i would be a round Rolo…what a whopper too!
Bob: The occasional foray wouldn’t hurt.
Hobbit: i like pastries too…tasting twinkies with pinkies…i declare! eclairs!!
Mary: Dang it! I got some Lindt on my black sweater and it won’t come off with that roller-thingie.
Mary: If the Lindt won’t come off, I guess I Cadbury the sweater in the
Hobbit: Get the Three Musketeers to help you…
Clay: Or some Big Hunk like Dwayne Johnson?
Clay: No, scratch Dwayne. I hear he has that rare swerving groin injury known as Zagnuts.
Clay: He needs a magician to give him an allakazam! Abba Zabba!
Clay: But Mike & Ike may be available. Their help has always been Good & Plenty.
Clay: –Whoops. They’re busy with a couple of Red Hots…
Mary: Those Smarties? I dunno.
Hobbit: could get a real Sugar Daddy or a Jolly Rancher…
Hobbit: unless they are with Mary Jane
Hobbit: or some nerds
Mary: I’d love a Sugar Daddy! All I meet are these Sugar Babies. Real immature.
Bob: Regarding that Lindt-sullied sweater…. if you do commit it to a subterranean fate (or maybe you wanna bury your $100,000 dollar bar ), just be careful not to leave any tell-tale Mounds.
Bob: Clay, you know where they get the filling for Kit Kat, right?
Mary: Good tip, Bob. On second thought, I don’t think I’ll bury it. Too difficult for me. When I put a shovel in my hand, I’m all Butterfingers.
Hobbit: i am giggling so hard my jelly belly is rippling….and I am Krackle-ing up!
Mary: Werther it is better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or giggle, I choose giggling.
Clay: Let us not abandon Riesen, and never a June year mince. (Gawd, that’s a stretch…)
Clay: But I AM thinking outside of the Brach’s. :o)
Clay: Q: Why do Twinkies and Ho Hos and Ding Dongs and Fruit Pies go to Group Therapy? A: To get in touch with their Fillings.
Mary: I was kinda down, but this thread really cheered me up. It was a LifeSaver!
Clay: Have you tried Mole Sauce flavor? Hole y Mole!
Bob: Wife read this – said my rightful candy is Dum-Dums!
Mary: Clay, that last joke doesn’t have a Snoball‘s chance in hell of getting a laugh.
Bob: Would you like to meet my Tootsie, Pops?
Clay: Tell Bob, Mary. He’s more Snobald than I am.
Bob: Didn’t you mean SnoCone‘s chance???
Clay: Or Ice Cream birds in the sun. YOU know–Baskin’ Robins.
Mary: Oww! (Holding stomach in pain)
Mary: When Clay and Bob get going, it’s hard to get my Bit O Honey in!
Clay: Guess I’ll head to the Kent Saloon. You know–belly up to the Clark Bar.
Mary: I hear Mr. Goodbar works there.
Bob: Whata ’bout the new mom who couldn’t nurse? You know – Milk Duds. She did lay alota Kisses on her kid tho!
Bob: Then there was Bill and Joan Ettes. Those two procreated like rabbits on steroids. Spent their whole lives raisin’ Ettes!
Clay: And one of them is running in the latest Goobernatorial election.
Mary: Yes! They’re having a fundraiser tonight on 5th Avenue.
Bob: A Yiddish apiary tender keeps JuJuBees.
Mary: Judge not, Nestle be judged.
Clay: That was Quik!
Clay: Show me a lunar ratio of circumference to diameter, and I’ll show you a Moon Pi.
Clay: And here’s what you say to a cookie-making elf who gets fresh: “Keebler hands to yourself.”
Bob: Alright – alright…. I once laid out a maze for a hamster. I made it using discarded popsicle sticks. I dubbed it a Popsticle course
Clay: If you Pepper Mint, you should Salt what are Taffy.
Hobbit: I still have places to go on and things to do on my bucket list…like…going to the Andes, setting a Dove free on 5th Avenue, going to Hershey’s to a-Pez my chocolate craving…I doubt I will ever be brave enough to try being lady Godiva…ya never know…but…if my brain was Skittle-d enough…crazier things have happened…I still might Pop Rocks to see if there are any Charms..to find just the right Thingamajig would be a wonderful Skor!
Clay: Hope to see your Lady Godiva. I may not be a Whitman, but I’d love to Sampler. :o)
Bob: -> Sees what you have wrought
Bob: The candy knapper thought he might Rustle Stover.
Bob: Barb – surely you’ve been to York a time or two. I was there once.
Bob: BTW, kudos on your candy counter!
Bob: Anyone remember Fizzies???
Hobbit: Yes, Bob, I went there with Heath Bar…oh and another place on my Bucket List is to spend some time sampling Turkish Delights!
Hobbit: Loved Fizzies!
Hobbit: True that…but there is still time to go see the Swedish Fish, watch how Gum Drops, watch how Goobers Gummi Bears (they DO not like that! neither do the Worms…just sayin…) I did get to see Root Beer Barrels…cool..and Cracker Jack Wax Mustaches…weird , that…but, Peeps…it has been great, having this Conversation, Hearts…gotta run for Now n…Later
Bob: Been fun, but now I gotta have some CANDY!!!!!